I’m more prone to daydreams than visions, but this particular daydream really sobered me up and broke my heart.
One of the verses read during the sermon tonight brought an image to mind of me and Jesus, on the last day. I’ve grown so much, and I can confidently say that I see myself standing next to Jesus as a friend, a close friend. My heart is ‘soft’ for Him, and washed pure. and the next thing I know, I stand next to Jesus, and look out into the crowd of those that do not have a friendship my Jesus. In the midst of that crowd, I see a familiar face. and my heart shatters. My beloved, the pain from this world only hardening his heart, and his stubbornness keeping it, for so many years, with bitterness. My first instinct was to run out there,
pushing through the crowd to reach him, to bring him up to my Friend. Jesus just had to let him come in with me, he just had to; I could not imagine heaven without him. In the instant my eyes caught sight of him in that sorrowful crowd, all the strength I’d held onto, all the pride, Garth’s haunting lyrics ‘she’s going to make it… he never will’… all of it was gone in an instant. none of it mattered at all if he didn’t make it into heaven. The crushing reality hit me, and I cried.
When I opened my eyes, the tears were just as wet on my cheeks, and I prayed for his heart for the first time since… since ever. There was no hurt, there was no pride, there was nothing to prove. This was raw and real. I am being healed by God, my heart is not becoming bitter, and one day, all will be whole again. For that I’m thankful, and for a while, that was enough. But reality… its not enough. I want him to feel the same healing, I prayed against his hardened heart. I prayed against his stubbornness. For the first time, I could honestly and whole-heartedly pray for his healing as well as my own, and mean it; without any bitterness, without any hurt or wounds. all of it paled in comparison to the thought of him not being able to experience heaven. and I continue praying, with my whole heart…