well, its make it or break it time. Is this hope lesson all talk or did I actually learn something? It remains to be seen.

sigh. didn’t expect to be tested on it so soon.

The Assurance of Things Hoped For.

Wow. a lot has happened in a couple of days, almost entirely good. Even though its just little stuff, it is still extremely encouraging.

After my spaz-out on Tuesday night, I got together with Urs and prayed, which helped tons my mindset quite a bit. but to top things off, as I’m walking out of her apartment, I get a call from my boss, which was VERY encouraging. We covered a lot of the topics I had spazzed about the previous night, and a several of my worries were set at ease, which was AWESOME!

Talk about a timely answer to a prayer.

So from there, spent a very productive afternoon working.
They needed people at the med clinic to pray, so I went there instead of normal small group. I missed worship, but it was great. Preston was there (which always makes it a great time).

Preston said something that hit me, and actually spoke to a prayer I have had recently.
I have trouble allowing myself to hope for things, because experience has taught me I’m garunteed to be sorely disappointed. Not exactly healthy. So I’ve been praying about hope in general, and that God would give me the courage to hope again, teach me how to hope and dream, and open my eyes to what those dreams are. what am I hoping for? so God’s been re-teaching me how to hope and dream. Its been a (sadly) difficult lesson to learn. sigh.

so preston today, while talking to one of the patients, kept reinforcing to him that he could thank God for healing that is to come. It’s the expectation that God will meet you and your needs, and you will have cause to praise. Kept repeating the verse from hebrews. “now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”

this is a familiar verse to me, i’ve heard it countless times, but meditating on it wed night, its scary too. its asking me, urging me to do something that scares the heck out me. I always thought I had faith.. but by this definition… do I? Dare I?

The ‘hoping’ is assumed. faith is not merely hoping. it’s is the assurance of the things you’re hoping for. assurance. conviction.

Even if I dare to hope a little…. there is a complete lack of those two qualities. probably I lean more toward the other extreme. telling myself even if I hope that, nah, that’s never going to come true.

its assurance, its conviction. not just wishful thinking or dreaming.

people with faith take risks. they run the risk of being made a fool. desert Noah foremost, also barren Abraham, so much to lose Moses, prince of Egypt. and Jesus, to lose his life, his dignity. Yet it is Jesus that is the perfecter of our faith. the ultimate example of assurnce and conviction.

Why shouldn’t I dream big? what’s stopping me? Why shouldn’t I dream that Columbus becomes a light on a hill, known for its freedom HT, slavery. Why shouldn’t I join in the dream that Gracehaven flourishes, rescues and restores hope to these girls, is a well-oiled machine, working smoothly with law enforcement, social workers, children’s services, become a model for shelters across the nation.

Is that too lofty a dream? too much to hope for? Foolish, ridicuous?

Martin Luther didn’t think so,and look what he was up against. and then Jesus… with the dream to free every person who ever existed, past present and future. Jesus is the ultimate abolitionist. How dare I stifle my hopes for a better future? how dare I limit myself to what is merely logical, plausible, safe.

If you think you’ve got a chance to reach your BHAGs, they aren’t big enough. They’re not really BHAGs.

Insomnia

can’t sleep.

mind keeps going in circles. Lynn laughingly said I shouldn’t watch the news before going to bed if I want to sleep. But its not the news that keeps me up. Other thoughts, worried thoughts. Too much ice cream today? perhaps.

I was telling Dad about Gracehaven, and how we’re starting our fundraising. he joked saying if i had been paying attention, I could be receiving consulting fees now. instead I’m making measly 10 bucks and hour as some sort of catch-all admin assistant. it stings when people close to you point out that you’re being taken advantage of, even if its not wholly true. As if I’m too weak to stand up for myself, proof that i’m not valued. or that I don’t value myself? I don’t know.

worried about trivial things. about how I really believe it would be a better video if I used Holy water instead of Held. The lyrics fit so much better, and how many people are actually going to connect the fact that Natalie Grant is the one singing the song and the reason we’re using her song is that she supports this cause and Gracehaven. Its seems to be insider knowledge, whereas Holy water’s lyrics are crystal clear. And maybe I should have pushed harder. and it’s not too late to still say something… again… but does that make me OCD? Am I nitpicking? trust me, Theresa has WAY much more on her plate than worrying about a silly video that is MY responsibility.

keep fighting lies that I am not intelligent. that I have nothing intelligent to contribute to conversations. to friendships. keyword, lies. but one that’s difficult to fight. Find myself fading more and more into the background in conversations involving 3 or more people. If its just two, I have to talk, otherwise there would be no conversation at all. but add in the third person, and I’m irrelevant. Heart-to-hearts, ‘deep’ convos, introspection…. those I can handle. seeing lyrics to random songs or talking sports or politics or economics or countless other topics, Fail. but who am I trying to impress? who the heck cares if i sound intelligent or not.

i worry that now that i’m not taking classes anymore i’m not exercising my brain hard enough. that i’m going slack. that there’s no discipline to force me to think anymore. that i’m just making excuses. are those lies too?

and so i try to push myself, maybe i overcompensate, and am worrying over nothing. and by the end of the day i’m just flat out mentally exhausted, even when I feel like I didn’t do anything at all that would make me this exhausted. and the exhaustion makes me all the more too tired to try fight for a place in conversations around me. I’d rather curl up in a corner and just exist.

whats wrong with me?

who the hell would ever be interested in a girl that can’t even hold a normal conversation with friends??

not intelligent, not interesting. but those are lies. they have to be, right?

I mean, there has to be something worthwhile about me, that I am exhausted by days end, I have to be up to something, right?

I work a rape crisis center and make super cool videos and design for a women’s shelter. I know a decent amount about the bible, even though I have so much more to learn. I dance swing salsa and country, I enjoy everything from bowling to volleyball to hiking to art galleries to jigsaw puzzles to painting to reading.

But in the worlds’ eyes I’m a nobody. I have a degree in an expendable field, working part time at barely above minimum wage, with no answer to the question ‘what do you want to do in the future?’ i’ve got failure written all over me.

do I want to be the next best graphic designer in Columbus/US/world? no
do I care about chasing after the most prestigious job title/head of a company? no
do I demand tons of money for my services? no

is that a problem?

apparently that is, because people tut-tut me like I should know the answer or be striving after some goal or dream or something.

All my bills are covered, I like what i do with Gracehaven, do I wish I had some extra spending cash so I don’t seem like such a skin-flint in front of my friends, yeah, but its not the end of the world. but what am I working towards. correction, what grown-up goal am I working towards? anything?

whats wrong with being happy where i’m at? does that make me lazy? a dead-beat? boring?

who the hell wants a girl that isn’t striving after some noble career-oriented goal?

why can’t I come up with any? it’s not as if I haven’t thought about it enough lately. but i discard them as quickly as they pop into my mind. they’re not what I value.

it seems the only things I value are childish. no one respects a child. children are only worth hourly minimum wages, part time at that. they’re not worth a salary and benefits. they’re not intelligent enough, they don’t have enough work experience.

blah. too much depressing shit in there. I can’t tell whats truth and whats lies anymore.

going to go read a (child’s) book and see if I can fall asleep.

Two Look At Two

Love and forgetting might have carried them
A little further up the mountain side
With night so near, but not much further up.
They must have halted soon in any case
With thoughts of a path back, how rough it was
With rock and washout, and unsafe in darkness;
When they were halted by a tumbled wall
With barbed-wire binding. They stood facing this,
Spending what onward impulse they still had
In One last look the way they must not go,
On up the failing path, where, if a stone
Or earthslide moved at night, it moved itself;
No footstep moved it. ‘This is all,’ they sighed,
Good-night to woods.’ But not so; there was more.
A doe from round a spruce stood looking at them
Across the wall, as near the wall as they.
She saw them in their field, they her in hers.
The difficulty of seeing what stood still,
Like some up-ended boulder split in two,
Was in her clouded eyes; they saw no fear there.
She seemed to think that two thus they were safe.
Then, as if they were something that, though strange,
She could not trouble her mind with too long,
She sighed and passed unscared along the wall.
‘This, then, is all. What more is there to ask?’
But no, not yet. A snort to bid them wait.
A buck from round the spruce stood looking at them
Across the wall as near the wall as they.
This was an antlered buck of lusty nostril,
Not the same doe come back into her place.
He viewed them quizzically with jerks of head,
As if to ask, ‘Why don’t you make some motion?
Or give some sign of life? Because you can’t.
I doubt if you’re as living as you look.”
Thus till he had them almost feeling dared
To stretch a proffering hand — and a spell-breaking.
Then he too passed unscared along the wall.
Two had seen two, whichever side you spoke from.
‘This must be all.’ It was all. Still they stood,
A great wave from it going over them,
As if the earth in one unlooked-for favour
Had made them certain earth returned their love.

~Robert Frost

The Peaceful Shepherd by Robert Frost

If heaven were to do again,
And on the pasture bars,
I leaned to line the figures in
Between the dotted starts,

I should be tempted to forget,
I fear, the Crown of Rule,
The Scales of Trade, the Cross of Faith,
As hardly worth renewal.

For these have governed in our lives,
And see how men have warred.
The Cross, the Crown, the Scales may all
As well have been the Sword.

Elizabeth Bennet: And that put paid to it. I wonder who first discovered the power of poetry in driving away love?
Mr. Darcy: I thought that poetry was the food of love.
Elizabeth Bennet: Of a fine stout love, it may. But if it is only a vague inclination I’m convinced one poor sonnet will kill it stone dead
Mr. Darcy: So what do you recommend to encourage affection?
Elizabeth Bennet: Dancing. Even if one’s partner is barely tolerable.

1 John 4:7-21

quick notes from tonight.

1 John 4:7-21
When does God NOT show us his love?

Love…

sacrificial,
initiates reconsiliation
even when its undeserved
is humble. Creator humbly came down as created. we have to humble ourselves to be able to accept his love and sacrifice.

Contrasting idea; no one’s seen God, yet he’s so close-dwelling inside us

love is made complete in Christ. love (or at least parts of it) is there outside of knowledge of God; afterall we’re created/formed in his image, but it is not made complete until we get that last piece, Jesus.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

of Taxis and Rooftops

Desperation.

When he returned to Capernaum after some days, it was reported that he was at home. So many gathered around that there was no longer any room for them, not even in front of the door; and he was speaking the word to them. Then some people came, bringing to him a paralyzed man, carried by four of them. And when they could not bring him to Jesus because of the crowd, they removed the roof above him; and after having dug through it, they let down the mat on which the paralytic lay. When Jesus saw their faith, he said to the paralytic, “Son, your sins are forgiven.”

I can imagine the crowds reaction: ‘What do they think they’re doing?’ ‘Sheesh, couldn’t they just wait until tomorrow-Jesus will be out by the sea, then-plenty o’ space there’ ‘If I were them, I’d have called it quits’ ‘It’s just another sermon, there no need to dig up the roof or anything!’

What would cause someone to go to such great lengths to reach Jesus? To reach Healing? to reach Acceptance? to reach Forgiveness? To reach a sense of Worth, Belonging? Fellowship? It’s not everyday someone digs through your roof to get to you, knowing, hoping, that once there, everything will be alright, if only for a little while.

How do the paralytics of today’s world dig through roofs to reach Jesus? Who are those desperate, longing hearts that just have to reach the safety, security of the Jesus their heart cries out for? Where do they seek this Jesus out at? What does that look like?

It looks like someone who, without a car, without a willing friend to pick them up, will pay a cab’s fair out of a near-non-existant paycheck to reach the local small group’s ‘club’.

And how do we respond to them, seeing to what lengths they took to reach us-the Light of God in this world? Do we respond as the crowd most suredly did? or as Jesus did?

To those who have the use of their legs, who aren’t paralyzed with lonliness, car-lessness, job-lessness, friend-lessness, depression, shame, guilt, hurt, ridicule… to those of us who aren’t paralyzed, going to such extreme measures of ‘digging through roofs’ or taxis seems pretty ridiculous. ‘It’s just another activity, why bother?’ ‘I would have just called it quits at that point.’ ‘It’s not worth that much effort.’

or do we respond, as Jesus did, with acceptance, with forgiveness, with ackowledgement of how much they need to be there, not just for the surface level activity, but for the healing, the safety, the security, fellowship with the Light that is Jesus, the same Light that resides in each one of us as Christians.

Desperation.

Jesus looks at those souls who are desperate for a taste of Him, who exhaust all means, who go to such lengths to get into Christian fellowship, which, in essense is fellowship with Him, and to those he turns, sees their faith, and says, ‘Your sins are forgiven.’

Who are we? Are we the friends who will help dig through roofs? Are we the crowd that is scratching their heads wondering what on earth possesses people to go to such crazy lengths? Are we the paralytic, going to absurd lengths, desperate to reach Christian fellowship? Are we the home where Jesus resides in that people are digging through roofs to reach?

Earth-stars

So… I have discovered a desire to learn about mushrooms. This is very nerdy of me, and also not the easiest group of fauna/flora to try to learn as there’s just so many dagg-on types. So, I’ve decided to randomly find ones when I’m out and about that interest me, and look them up. Little by little, I’ll just keep adding to my repertoire, right?

So, here goes. Found this one yesterday at Blendon Woods. Pretty neat.

Name: Rounded Earthstar. I’m horrible with classification… but these words have come up in my oh-so-scientific google search:Lycoperdales, genus Geaster; fimbratium; Geastrum saccatum. Maybe they’ll mean something to someone.

Really Cool references: The Mushroom Book, ca. 1923 pg. 130-132 (pg. 218 of the pdf), more info (quoted below), and another blogger’s thoughts.

Geastrum saccatum is the earthstar most commonly featured in field guides–probably because it is widely distributed and common. It is a small but beautiful mushroom that features a round spore case sitting atop a star with 4-9 arms. Several species of Geastrum are very similar, however, so precise identification should rely on the following features:

–Small size (2-5 cm across when arms expand);
–A spore case that sits directly on the arms, as though in a bowl (without a pedestal);
–A hole in the spore case that is not prominently lined;
–A circular ridge or depression around the hole;
–Buttons that are only attached to the ground in one place (and therefore do not accumulate much soil and debris).